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Marta and Roberto [Dec. 1st, 2010|05:40 pm]
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[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |twin oaks]
[Current Mood |nervouscharged]

I first met Marta and Roberto at Summer Camp East two summers ago. We haven't stayed in contact but they are super awesome and when I remembered that they live here at Twin Oaks I was overjoyed. They are really fun to play with and it can be hard sometimes to find a good playmate.

Yesterday I had a date with Marta. It went by so fast, I was really having a good time. I felt nervous at first, and I think she did too, but we both relaxed and talked about our lives. Then we traded massage! Best thing ever. Marta is so cute and pretty, I really admire her and I'm so jealous of some of her life experiences. She's lived in so many places that I have wanted to live, and knows a handful of languages fluently. We talked about art and jealousy and love. She had some really good things to say and was very interested in some of the things I was thinking about.

After dinner I had a date with Roberto. I had asked Marta during our date about their being poly and got a long story about a blow up she had, jealousy-wise, early on this past year. It always feels good to hear about those because it feels good to know I'm not the only one who blows up and struggles and hurts. She said she was in a really good place lately. I told her I wasn't sure if I was attracted to Roberto physically but I really liked who he was.

Our date started on the floor of his room, with us sitting cross legged staring at each other. I asked him to talk about his relationship with Marta. He told me that their relationship was really rich right now and that they had been living their connection as a spiritual practice, which I thought was a beautiful way to look at relating. I asked him if he was nervous and he said yes, and I said I was too. We were sort of giggly but there was this awkward silence... We soon got over that, though, and started interacting more. Roberto asked me if he could smell my armpit! I was curious, 'cause I like the smell of my lovers' armpits and though I felt kinda like... Woah, this is weird, I told him could do that. Then I smelled his. It was strong and earthy and sharp, pretty overwhelming. Not bad, though. I think after that we were comfortable with each other because we were both into this weird thing that is not weird but rather pretty enjoyable to us.

We talked the whole time but we also made out and wrestled with each other. He taught me a fair amount of Spanish and also tried to teach me a song which was sweet but I don't remember it anymore.

I'm not sure I've EVER met anyone like Marta, or Roberto, and that is part of what I treasure in our friendships. I am grateful that I can have these experiences with my friends. Tonight I have a date to check in with Marta and later to play games with their intimate Helm. I hope that everything is still good with everyone, that no one is hurting, and that we can all have fun.
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ideal [Nov. 30th, 2010|11:43 am]
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[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |twin oaks]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

I got to Twin Oaks yesterday at 12pm after spending 5 hours sleeping off our nocturnal drive from Arlington to C-ville. We parked the car near the chickens and walked over to ZK for lunch. Pax glides seamlessly through a series of hugs, greetings, and snippits of community business while procuring and eating lunch. I don't fit in as easily. A large handful of people eye me up, wondering if they are remembering me from my visiter period or smattering of guesting stays. A couple more, like Marta, Roberto, Edmund, and Elsa, come give me hugs and catch up a bit.

I eat with Marta and Roberto, while they explain their anarchist work-sharing cell Bolo. They're split slightly from the main work system in order to form a tighter collective. Every member at Twin Oaks has a quota of hours they have to work each week. When I did my visiter period two years ago the quota was at 37 hours, but it's up to 42 right now. It fluxuates slightly depending on the communitie's businesses and financial state. The people in Bolo are allowed to collectively meet their hours, instead of each person only being responsible for their own. Right now they are just trying to fill up their vacation balances so they have extra hours to afford to projects and people they are insterested in supporting.

But both Marta, Roberto, and Helm (a new friend I make over the meal) are firm that Bolo is not just about sharing their work and supporting cool projects. It's about building a family.

Hawina comes over at the end of lunch and asks if I'll watch Willow from 1-3pm. I happily agree, having no assigned work for my first day back on the farm. Willow and I spend our time running around. He's 8 now, he was 5 when I first met him, and he's grown a bit physically and a LOT emotionally. The biggest, and most recent change, in the person I know as Willow, is his level of fear. He is way more into risk taking, less whiney now. I appreciate that because we can play a little harder without my worrying that something I do or say will send him into a fear-based meltdown. He also listens a little better, is more interested in me, as a person, than he's previously been.

We spend about 30 minutes collecting and throwing leaves at each other and then invent a game involving a hula hoop and rolling it down the cluttered hill at Tupelo. You get a certain amount of points depending on where it falls.

After dinner Roberto is teaching a Salsa lesson. It's the first formal salsa class I've ever been to and I love it! The music is complex and there is a buttload of technique involved, but the basic steps are easy and I feel like I am much more capable of salsa dancing at the end of it. I walk back to Tupelo to watch movies with Pax and Willow and contemplate the new dancing I've been learning on this trip. I love to dance but it's not something I really actively seek in Philadelphia. In DC Mom took me to some West African dancing that was a super positive experience, and now the salsa dancing... I'm starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something.

I wake in the morning to Pax and Willow's conversation. I finish setting up the dungeon that Pax and I drew out last night while Pax and Willow round up Rowan and Luuk, two other kids that live at Twin Oaks. As I write this they are sitting next to me in the upstairs living room at Tupelo, playing Heros, which is the D&D home schooling adventure that is constantly being morphed and adapted to their lives. On Willow's 6th birthday we played a game of heros in which there was a scavenger hunt with lots of the adults prominent in Willow's life here playing characters in the course of the quest. At certain points in the game Paxus interjects a round of questioning as an essential task to complete their current objective. Example: They come to a door with strange writing on it. It is a riddle door and they must answer three questions correctly to open it and get to the room beyond. Paxus asks them what Infinity means, why you don't feel upside-down when on the southern hemisphere of the earth, etc.

As we were walking to Salsa last night, I told Roberto that I was very happy to be back on the farm and that I had missed it a lot. He was surprised, and asked me if I was attached to the farm. Attached is a strong word... I'm invested in the mission of the farm, I love that it exists. I like being here in the woods and eating this food that we've grown. I love it, but I'm not attached. I am, however, very attached to some of the people that live here. Now, more than ever, moving here is way more attractive than it has been. And I still feel like I'm not quite ready.
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'cause i found out i was really no one [Nov. 27th, 2010|10:28 am]
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[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |a-town]
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

yeah, i could write about how it's weird to be back in arlington post-graduation, or how great it is to see old friends, or how sad it is to miss others. how excited i am to be headed further south before i go home... but that's kinda boring to me right now. i mean... i'm living it! why the fuck would i write about it all over again? sometimes writing is a great way to get through a train of thought but right now i feel like just being here.

so in other news, this is weird

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bump [Nov. 18th, 2010|11:42 am]
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[Tags|]
[Current Location |tripship]
[Current Mood |worriedupset]
[Current Music |bright eyes - haligh]

Today I finished a painting that will probably not sell for enough. I am tangled up in thoughts about money, responsibility, laundry, debt, bills, dirty dishes, unmade art, the extra layer of fat on my thighs and belly, the tension in my shoulders and neck, the lack of sex, the excess of sleep, the lack of sunlight. I'm wondering why I live this way instead of out on the streets, traveling. Why I'm in Philadelphia. Why I sound like such a downer. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone that would listen to me and set me straight. Someone that I didn't need to be attractive for. A therapist, a close friend, someone I trusted without needing anything from them or them needing anything from me. Not a lover. I'm surrounded by lovers and I feel angry at all of them for not paying attention to me, for not asking me on more dates, for not having more sex with me. I miss Davi, Maya, Hannah, my mother, my father... I feel incapable, helpless, ugly, bitter. My feet are cold.

Considering all that, I think I can be pretty impressed with myself for doing anything at all today. So far I've done laundry, cleaned the room, made an important call, and ate breakfast. I may even bathe. The nice thing about bathing/showering in the winter is that it makes you warm all over. Even your feet and hands. :-D

stuff to buy to improve mental health -
heating pad
full spectrum lamp

stuff to do immediately
get aesha's number and call about website
call staffing now back
start a new painting

stuff to do soon
pick up paycheck from Wilma (thurs)
go to arlington (mon)

stuff to do later
die
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longest. hiatus. ever? [Nov. 16th, 2010|12:45 am]
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[Current Location |tripship]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |chad's snores]

it's been forever since I wrote in here... my journals have become as schizophrenic and scattered as my mind. sometimes i journal on loose scraps of paper that then get thrown away or lost. most times i don't truly journal at all. i forget what it's like to spill the beans without fear of the audience. strange for a blog, i suppose. but this place used to be simultaneously safe and public.

maybe i'll start writing here again. maybe i won't.

no promises.
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See Friends. See Friends Newscast. Newscast, friends, newscast! [Apr. 13th, 2006|10:17 pm]
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http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2284563017157983714&q=goggin&pl=true

Reason #312374102983 to miss rockers
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Do it for me, baby, and I'll do it for you. [Apr. 8th, 2006|12:57 pm]
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http://kevan.org/johari?name=Rosie+Raizen

MASS EXODUS GO!!
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shitlife minddump [Mar. 22nd, 2006|11:22 am]
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[Current Mood |fullfull]

still don't know what I'm doing with it
but being lost isn't that bad
at least the scenery
is fucking great.

these days I do whatever I want-
go to pennsylvania? I'm there, visiting sweet girl Sarah talking about the nature of intention, what we want from a college, how to grow into this community
go to New Jersey? I'm there, visiting lover Chad talking about sex, drugs, allen ginsberg, moving in, nonattachment, the age difference (somehow we're ALWAYS talking about that even when we're not, maybe because we both realize the impermanence of feeling comfortable and it's good to check up on it often: is this still okay? yeah? keep going --)
-except for what I really want
can't seem to get back to a spanish speaking country - ANY will do, please, I Need to be BACK there in a world where I learn a million new things about life every day from people that can't talk to me but every day the picture comes a little clearer and bigger and more beautiful
can't seem to get back to doing ceramics not for lack of trying

lately opressed with worry over friend's unspoken judgements over my lifestyle
sick with the knowledge that I am alone alone alone ONE in a million
I've gotta do it my way and I wish I had someone else to do it with
SICK OF HALFUNDERSTANDINGS & always acting strong even when I want to curl up and be weak
understand IS loving, accepting
no way around that one folks.
halfunderstandings are painful
people hear what you're sayin and then
reatreat
behind half-closed lids
to bang their gavel
and bruise your exposed skin
leaving some revolting aftertaste of
disgust

Making people angry and sad and hateful
you don't have that power
argues logic
that's all them
so put that cross DOWN.

I never sleep well anymore
always shadowy dreams before I wake
of men touching me and forcing me
and then when I push my mind to conciousness
left only with the despair
of this is always how it's been

haunted by that and
always running from
myself
always
out of breath.

overwhelmed:
even though I love so many so much it doesn't mean I Love you less or any less special but how do I get that across there aren't any good words aren't any good things I could do for you to show you how true it is some sort of test or measurement let me PROVE it (this is written to every single fucking person I've ever loved, ever will love listen up) it is a hot knife in my chest guilt and sorrow that you might have any doubt any less faith of my passion my reverance my devotion my love but it's all there and here and please tell me you know so I can stop crying over spilt emotions
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(no subject) [Mar. 18th, 2006|01:42 am]
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[Current Mood |happyleprechaundayw0000h]

'For the win' is officially my new favorite thing to say all the time to annoy the shit out of myself and people that spend too much time with me (tm).

Buttered nipples (drink) = tasty like hell. Bailey's is good. GOOD.

Crazy mikes are going to be my lifelong suppliers of alcohol, I've decided. This makes two, let's make it three and four, c'mon world.

Do I send Marvin and Jake books of Ferlinghetti for their birthdays? Can't decide. Sources say yes, probably. Because Ferlinghetti makes everyone happy for poetry and I don't want to be lame and send them zero.

Power naps are naps taken to complete one sleep cycle. Four hours. Powerful. Nap-like. FOR THE WINNNNNNN.
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one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had, from last night [Mar. 17th, 2006|01:05 pm]
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In the first part I was at the Smithsonian with Jenny and Elaine 'cause there was some sort of petting-zoo exhibit consisting of a lot of animals. It really didn't have anything to do with art, so I don't know why it was at the Smithsonian. Anyway, there I met this itsy bitsy little monkey that totally bonded with me. I'm not kidding - this monkey and I had a friendship I don't share with most people. We became best friends and I wanted to take him home because he loved me so much so I smuggled him out in my sweatshirt. Outside I was on the NOVA campus waiting for the bus and it was rainy and cold. No buses came for a really long time and I started wondering how I was supposed to care for monkeys when, to my extreme anguish, monkey died! I knew it was the cold that killed him and his little cold dead body in my hands really upset me. His face was so expressionless and drained and I didn't know what to do with him, I just kept carrying him around and being really sad. I felt really guilty that I had taken him, then, and that I had killed him so quickly after doing so.

Then second part had nothing to do with the first, and involved some sort of raucous gathering at Aimee's house, culminating in upsetting her father who stalked into the room, and exclaimed in the deepest, scariest voice ever, "What's going on here?" and turning to me "It's HER fault."
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